I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
