I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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