It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Iβm not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless itβs rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP ππππ
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