So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
