Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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