Umm I'm too high to move.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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