I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
