He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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