Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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