Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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