Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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