i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
