I cockslap morals
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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