i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.