i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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