that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
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She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
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When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
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