I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
