The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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