Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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