in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
