just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
the day after is always just damage control
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
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