Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
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