this just has baby written all over it
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
