Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Randomize
