3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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