Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
