Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
