wanna go halves on a baby?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
