I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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