He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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