just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
