After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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