your thong is hanging out like whoa
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
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you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
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I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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