i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
