If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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