I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
home. puking in laundry basket.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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