You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
