we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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