Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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