he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
You are a genius and a whore.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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