gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
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