The maid of honor just puked.
whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Randomize
