so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
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He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
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A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.