you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
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We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
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Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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