Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Randomize
