I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
another moral hangover. fuck.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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