I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Randomize
