I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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