Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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