I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
God gave him joint rollers for hands
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
