Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
