in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
