omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
