dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
