A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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